You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Raisins are grape jerky.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀