I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?