Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?