Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Saturday
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot