I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.