Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
wut hotdog?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.