of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
What a website
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.