Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.