This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”