Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.