There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
john wicks are toilet candles
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one