Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human