if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
From Facebook just now…
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.