I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
the composer
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I bet birds love this building.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!