wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
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