convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
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HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
nice challenge
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
😜
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality