My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
You Might Also Like
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Always
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?