I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
uh oh
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Don’t make me out nice you.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools