“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
i spent way too long on this
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes