I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
still the best tweet of the year by far
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.