“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.