The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.