Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
This was the best day of my life
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.