Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window