Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.