I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*