Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers