Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
#ParentingFacts
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.