Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
In space, no one can hear…
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.