“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You Might Also Like
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
#oldknees
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.