Guantanamo Bae
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.