[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.