Where is your GOD now????
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
me when i see my girls butt
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
This came to me in a dream.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
🙋♀️
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book