Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.