Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”