my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric