Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
sir, my pâté if you please
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Don’t snitch tag.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.