Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Love is in the air fryer.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.