Tastes like chicken.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
If snakes were wide
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk