I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My what?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
ready to be harvested
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.