My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”