at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.