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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
This is a true ally.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.