I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Bed should get ready for ME