“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow