[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Every. Damn. Time.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar