sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Look at this
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.