[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
True
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me