Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did