Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
You Might Also Like
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
excuse me
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.